There is No Such Thing as Carrying an Illegal Weapon on Halloween.
by Jim W. Dean, VT Editor
That’s right folks, and you can use my name with the cops and the judge. After all, what are weapons for it not to be used on Halloween.
You know damn well all those terrorist are going to try to blend in with all those trick-or-treators. No dummy me. I plan to be ready, like I am every year.
And don’t worry about using the classified secret stuff. If ever there were a night for field testing, under real life conditions, this is it.
Personally, I rent the big stuff for Halloween.
The bad guys have their R&D departments, too, and you just can’t take a chance being caught one generation behind on your concealed carry surprise.
And in fact, I would not worry too much even about concealment, when being one second too slow finds you being a disposable extra in a snuff movie at a meth party.
But it’s getting dark so time to get down for business. And for those of you who plan on traveling, pay special attention. People ‘disappear’ while traveling…much more frequent than those who stay home, which is where you will find my butt, always.
And if things get real bad, despite the safety tips here and below, I always stock up on a few five gallon used paint canisters of gas and keep them at the top of the stairs.
Good luck. And remember…Show them no mercy. Jim W. Dean
VT Combat Tested Rules of Survival on Halloween
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
18. If you can find a priest or a nun stupid enough to hang out with you, you can always use them for bartering to save your own skin, and then tell them you know where a whole bunch of them are so you can give them the slip.
19, For you genealogists out there, if you run into the ghost of great great grandpa or grandma, and they want to swap places with you just for the night, that’s the oldest trick in the book. Don’t do it. It’s a trick!!
20. And last but not least, you can always save your own skin by telling them that George Bush and Dick Cheney are in town attending one of those Skull and Cross Bones things, and you will take them there if they let you go.
Jim W. Dean was an active editor on VT from 2010-2022. He was involved in operations, development, and writing, plus an active schedule of TV and radio interviews.
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